Today's post will be about the pain I feel from my health conditions and the emotional toll it can take.
It will be very dark, twisted, and to some even gruesome. So please do not read on if those things easily bother you.
I have been going through a rough patch in my life for over the last three years.
I have been dumped, ridiculed, and rejected due to my health issues taking up a huge part of my life and, in some cases even swallowing up certain aspects of my life whole, to the point that they no longer exist.
I have a wonderfully supportive family and friends I have met in real life as well as online that try to help me work through the mess known as my life. I also get professional help and take medications.
The last few years I was stuck in a world lacking feelings. I still had feelings for my family and my friends, but beyond that I in a deep dark abyss where I couldn't feel anything emotionally to date.
A series of things happened to me that I don't wish to discuss and possibly hurt others or seem like I'm blaming my misfortunes on certain individuals. The reason for that is that we are all human and make mistakes and damaged people hurt people. These people were very damaged at the time and didn't know what they were doing would have the effects on me that they did.
I tried to break free of it at one point and tried to get to know a guy. It was my hope that his kindness, caring, compassion, and interest in me would snap me out of the dark sea of emptiness. No matter how hard I tried to gain interest and feel for this kind soul I just couldn't. In the end I ended up telling him that it wasn't going to go anywhere and we could still be friends. He didn't take it very well. He thought he did something wrong and in the end I ended up being the damaged person hurting someone. I knew it, but still couldn't feel the proper remorse or grief for what I had done to this poor guy.
As I said damaged people hurt people. I realized I was damaged.
At this point I decided the best thing to do for myself was to make only friends, keep no plans in case my negative got to big and could affect others), and to focus more on trying to solve some of the mysteries of my health issues with a new primary doctor the hospital helped me find when I ended up in there sick as hell.
So that is what I have been doing. Taking care of number one first, friends and family second, and leaving intimate relationships on the back burner.
A few weeks ago something hurtful, but enlightening happened. One of my ex's admitted on social media and to people in public, that he left me because all I talked about was my illness, and I used it as an excuse for everything. That he also thought I was a fake and that my illness isn't a real illness at all. That it is just something doctor's made up. He went on to say that I am a hypochondriac, a fake, and that I should be put in a nursing home because I deserve it.
It didn't hurt me as much as it hurt my friends and family. In fact it served as some sort of closure and it helped me climb out of the dark abyss. It woke me up.
The following weeks were like tides of the sea. Emotions rolled in, and emotions rolled out. It was scary to me. I had not felt those kinds of emotions in a very long time and I struggled to adjust to them. I started to feel grief, remorse, ashamed, and sorry for how I had treated certain people. Whether it had been recent, or over 20 years ago, I felt it all the same. It was as refreshing as it was terrifying. In order to survive and make my way thru it I had to limit time spent talking to people, in fear that I could lash out further, or end up passing my negative emotions to any person I came in contact with.
Out of the blue one day recently I was caught completely off guard. A guy I had a crush on, but was damaged badly at the time and hurt me..... well for no good and apparent reason I started to have feelings for him again. I had a major freak out. Why of all people this person? He was pretty shitty to me. He did apologize and we were able to move on as friends only. WHY????????
To add to it he is currently in a relationship and I know perfectly well that we will never ever be able to be a thing. Not in a million years. Why not the guy who had been so nice to me? Why not some other person?
Once again I began to sink. This time it wasn't into an abyss lacking of emotion, but into a giant sea of self loathing and hate for who I have become. Instead of being rational about why I have no chance I started to pity myself. I began to feel that if my health had not caused me so much damage both physically and mentally, that I would be more attractive. I would be wanted by this individual.
My health has taken a toll on my appearance. I have significant scarring on my face, facial discoloration, and a liver over the weight of a standard bowling ball. I also cannot function like most people day to day. I also have to use a CPAP at night to breath when I sleep. To me I find it to look very unattractive and like I should be in some sci-fi movie in the cockpit of a spaceship. It is bad enough I can no longer work too.
To me it is very easy to tie my lack of fortune in love to my health. I wish it wasn't. Maybe I would feel more whole.
Anyways, I spent most of yesterday feeling pity for myself and not willing to talk to anyone. I needed to be able to get past this feeling of worthlessness. I did a lot of crying. I even mediated.
I thought I was feeling better and like I could finally sleep so I went to bed.
That is when it got really dark........
My dream started off fairly normal. There I was with one of my ex's and we were happy. Then out of the blue I got a weird cobweb looking thing on my skin and I went to pull it off and a huge part of my flesh came off. It happened a few more times before the now ex lost it, got grossed out, and left me sitting on the floor bleeding. There I was left alone like a leper. I thought I was going to die.
The pain was intense.
Somehow slowly over time the missing flesh grew back, but I was covered in scars. At this point they were not very visible and only on my lower body.
Next thing you know I am happy again and with another ex. We were happy together and enjoying each other's company. Then one day I got a huge white head on my forehead. The now ex was standing and watching as I tired to pop it.
I managed to get part of it out and it was quite long. So I actually had to grab it with my fingers to pull it out. It was no pimple. Instead it was a maggot. He took off screaming. I never saw him again.
My dream continued on like this, but took it up a notch every time a zit like sore showed up on my skin.
By the end of the dream they weren't maggots, but white, long, slithering demons, with sharp teeth and fins like a sea monsters. Every single one I pulled out sent my significant other running away in terror. eventually I was so scarred that I was hideous. I was like a leper again. No one wanted to touch me. No one wanted to be near me in fear that my demons were contagious. My crush wanted nothing to do with me.
I finally woke up due to an anxiety attack, and realizing that my health condition that causes pain had manifested itself directly into my dream. Instead of waking up screaming out in pain like usual, I slept thru it.
These are the deeper aspects of chronic pain and illness. The aspects no one feels comfortable sharing regularly or cannot handle hearing. My illness and all its symptoms, including emotional pain are my demons. I fight them everyday. It is what I am good at.
I have just never seen them manifest in my sleep before. It was very deep, emotional, raw, and filled with meaning.
To all my friends and family who combat pain and chronic health issues.....
If you have ever been here I am truly sorry. I understand far more now than I ever have before.
If you don't have a therapist, a counselor, or take medication to help fight these demons please do.
I awoke feeling extremely vulnerable, ugly, and unwanted. Without the help I get this could gone really bad. I don't want anything bad to happen to any of you.
Chronic pain is more deep than most people realize and emotional pain can make it far worse.
It makes you view the world very differently.
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