It happened in the year 2010. I woke up one lovely June morning. The birds were chirping and the temperature was warming out side. I skipped to the kitchen to get a yummy breakfast treat. I yawned as I prepared my breakfast.
Translation:
It was my damn day off and those horrible little nasty birds that live in the bush by my bedroom window caused me to go want to buy a pellet gun. The urge to run out the door and get one was hindered by that fact that my jammies were soaked from all the damn humidity. I stumbled into the kitchen crabby and pissed off and just wanted something in my stomach in hopes I'd get tired enough to fall asleep again.
I grabbed the bag of sandwich bread off the microwave with a smile on my face as I felt the sunlight hit my face through the lace curtains of my kitchen window. With another skip in my step and humming an all to familiar song I put the tasty bread into the toaster and pulled the lever down. I began to wait patiently for my toast.
Translation: I grabbed the only bread left in the house because I couldn't afford to buy more for a few weeks. When I turned back towards the toaster the sunlight glared off the kitchen window so hard that when the light entered my eyes it stung. I thought I was going to catch on fire from the rays of light. I stumbled over the rug, stubbed my toe on the mop board, and said a lot of horrible words. The sunlight had blinded me and I couldn't see shit as it was without my glasses. I put the bread in the toaster and pulled the lever down. I crossed my arms and tapped my foot on the floor in annoyance. I just wanted to eat and get it over with.
Okay, I'm sure you get the idea. I'm not exactly a fairy princess to begin with and I most definitely am not in the morning. Just like Garfield, I too am allergic to mornings.
Anyways on with the story.....
I grabbed the butter out of the fridge and slammed it down on the counter and looked for a clean plate. I then realized I had forgotten to do the dishes the other day. I improvised and located a Tupperware lid as a substitute. Even more grumpy I walked back to my toaster and continued to wait.... And wait....And wait. I realized it was taking quite a long time and got closer to the toaster and was about to hit the cancel button to stop it. Before my finger could push it the toast popped up, hit the bottom side of my kitchen cupboard at an angle. One hit me on top of the head and the other flew by my ear. Both pieces were burnt."@#%$@%$#$#!!!!!!!!!!!" I shouted.
I picked up the toast slices to throw them away and burnt my fingers. "Ouch! #$#$$%!"
By this point I lost it and went to the closet and dug out my tool bag. I flung it open on the kitchen table and fished out my hammer. I had every intention of taking it outside and smashing it to tiny bits.
Then it struck me, If I destroyed this toaster how would I get another one? I had very little money to spend as it was. I let out a long sigh and carried the toaster to the kitchen table. It was time to get technical. I wasn't going to let the stupid thing get the best of me. In the back of my mind I thought about the possibility of owning a haunted toaster. Thanks to Foamy the Squirrel.
http://youtu.be/2KyRCQp32p8 This is the YouTube link for the video.
Regardless of whether the toaster was really possessed or not wasn't the issue. I was just going to have to make do with what I had. I rummaged around in my tool bag for the required items as I waited for the toaster to finish cooling off enough to take apart. Layer, by layer I got the exterior components off and was able to see the springs. To my great surprise one on each toast slot had sprung. I inspected the other two springs for damage and didn't see any. Using a combination of my Swiss army tech-knife and my expert forking skills I got the two damaged springs out without a problem.
I found two spare springs from god-only-knows-what and used those as replacements since the size was about the same.
I put the toaster back together, plugged it in and tested the voltage. everything was good. I put a piece of bread in it. It worked like a dream. The problem was solved and I was happy.
Later that day.......
I posted on Face Book that my toaster was possessed. I got a lot of questions and comments about it.
My dear brother told me that I should have slapped the thing around with a rosary and recite fake Latin to it.
Another friend asked me if I was sure I hadn't lost my mind. It was a good question because the week before I screwed up my medications on accident and was convinced that it sounded like my dryer had a black man trapped inside demanding to get out so he could have southern style barbecue. I knew of course that the dryer wasn't really talking, but I made the mistake of sharing it. The truth is that the drum bearings an slides were horribly worn out and the machine was a noisy menace to begin with.
Some friends asked me if my toaster came from Amittyville and I assured them that it had not and that I don't have a squirrel living with me. My now boyfriend had offered to let me use his if he could find where it was stored. If he couldn't he offered to look at it if it gave me anymore problems.
A week later.......
My alarm clock in my bedroom died. I decided I could wait to get a new one since my cell phone had alarm on it. That following night I went to bed and about 2:00 AM I hear this horrid sound coming from my living room.
Over half asleep I went into the living room as fast as I could to see what it was. The alarm clock left in there to be used as a regular clock and had never given me any problems at all was going off. I checked the time the alarm was set to. 8:00 AM. I also discovered the alarm mode was turned off. By this time I was wide awake and annoyed to have my slumber ruined by such a faulty device. Once again I grabbed the hammer.
I unplugged the alarm clock and hauled it outside and sat it on the pavement.
I let out all my built up frustrations out on the clock with lots of really good swings.
The porch light came on down the street. I looked up to see what was going on. As I did a living room light turned on and I saw two small children starring at me and their angry mother. Oops.
I put the hammer down and began picking the pieces of the clock up and throwing them into the trash can.
The large mother came over and pointed her finger at me.
"Look at the horrible example you are setting for those two young girls of yours! You should be ashamed of yourself!" She said without trying to yell.
"What girls? I don't have any kids." I replied.
"What about the red-headed one and smaller blond one that were here the other day?" She asked.
"My nieces." I smiled at her.
I watched her face get all warped in the dark.
"What about the example you are setting for my boys!" She said pointing to the window where she first spotted me.
"Could you hear me smashing this?" I asked.
"No." The large lady replied.
"Then perhaps you should set an example for your boys for spying and for not being in bed when they should be." I turned around and began walking to my front door. I didn't want her to see my smirk.
I could hear her cussing at me and then storming off. I really didn't care. I had been having a horrible year and smashing the alarm clock seemed to make it all go away for the time being. I had enough excitement for one night and sent back to bed.
The next day.......
I got up and made some toast to eat before having to leave for work. The toaster made a groan. Just in case it could cause a problem I decided to unplug it from the wall. I went to work for the first time in awhile feeling happy. That didn't last for long.
As I had pulled into the work parking lot and opened my door this asshole pulled in next to me. If I wouldn't have seen him coming he would have taken my car door off. I had closed it in just the nick of time. He parked so close that I couldn't even open my door again to try to get out. I ended up having to find another parking spot. I yelled at him as I got out for being a bleeping retard and a dumb ass for almost taking my door off. Then just like that all the anger and frustration I thought I took out by destroying the alarm clock came back to me. I stormed inside and got ready to take calls for the day. My supervisor saw me and came over.
"I just checked and you have enough benefit time that you can take it and leave for the day. You really don't look yourself today. I suggest you think about using it." She told me. Her tone was worried.
She was right and I knew it. I took her advice and left.
I didn't feel like going home just yet and I found myself parked in the mall parking lot. Funny thing is that I really don't like shopping under any kind of stress. I figured what the heck. I got out of the car and went inside. I found myself in front of a Chinese massage shop. It sounded really good and just like what I needed so I went in and got a massage.
Finally I made it home and began to relax. I fell asleep on the sofa and later awoke to the sun starting to go down. I went to turn on the light and there was a horrible spark. The bulb had burnt out. I turned on the other lamp and it was fine.
Over the course of the next few weeks strange things began to happen around my house. Lights kept blowing out. My dryer would stop running mid-cycle like the timer had busted. Every single morning I would plug in and unplug the toaster. After awhile I figured maybe there was something the matter with my breakers so I checked them with my meter and reset them just in case.
The following morning I put my bread in the toaster and waited. After a little while smoke started to come out of the top of it and the outlet it was plugged into sparked. I checked the breaker and the breaker was tripped.
Upon later investigation I discovered that one of the heating elements had died. The toaster was no good to me anymore. I took it outside and threw it away.
Call me silly. Call me odd. Call me an idiot. I don't care. That toaster made me thankful to have what I have in life. It took me long enough to realize that. When I did I was finally able to move on with my life and get over all the bad that had happened to me. Years worth of frustration was instantly relieved. Now anytime I think things are bad I just remember back to the time of my old toaster dying and I feel much better.
Never under estimate the power of a toaster. Whether you think it may be possessed, broken, old, ugly, or even strange, they have the power just like anything else can to learn a lesson and to help heal the soul. The toaster has also taught me how to laugh and love again.
Below are some images of toasters that might help you do the same. If not, I hope they will at least give you a good laugh.
Art Deco Toaster
Bite Me Toaster
Defib Toaster
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| Toaster Ring |
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| The Toast Printer |
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| Invader Toast |
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