Strange week and a random memories of a few awkward moments that might cause some problems.

So I ended up taking the job with the really laid back company and left the other place I was working. the new place is..... The one with the lady working the front desk complaining about hot flashes and employees wearing pajamas. lol
My first day was orientation and interesting,
During our first break I found a girl sick in the bathroom puking up her guts and had to find someone in management to help her.

The head HR gal ordered us pizza for lunch and was so excited to have ordered "salami pizza". WTF?
I about died laughing because I was choking on a free package of fruit snacks.

Towards the end of the day the other HR lady came to discuss benefit packages and she was so excited and energetic that she failed to pay attention to what was behind her.
One minutes she's discussing how holiday pay works, then next she had a MASSIVE EPIC FAIL!
She tripped over a desk leg and fumbled backwards knocking over a picture board, and on the way knocking stuff off of a nearby desk. Bam! Right on her butt she went hitting the floor.

Luckily no one suffered any major injuries.

Yesterday and today I've been training for the new job. And I've got another 3 1/2 weeks left to go.

I've been struggling staying awake and attentive because everything covered so far was stuff I had to learn over 10 years ago when I worked at Radio shack. I don't know what the gal sitting next to me had as an excuse, but she DID keep falling asleep. Luckily the trainer didn't notice.

Then I recently discovered that this girl that partied with me and a bunch of my other pals in high school is now a trainer at my new job. She's just not my trainer.
That's a good thing. I honestly don't think I'd be able to take her very seriously. Why? I'll explain...

Okay way back in my high school days I partied A LOT. I smoked many cigarettes and got shit face drunk about every other weekend.

Anyways.... When I saw her at my new workplace the other day and she told me that she's a trainer; I got this mental picture of her smoking a cigarette, passing a bong, and drinking some jagermeister while trying to teach. lol

Then I had one of those OMG WHY DID I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT moments.

I recalled my 18th birthday where we all met at my parents house before making arrangements to go out.
We almost got caught with lots of alcohol. eek! ..... Then my car window exploded just because.
Towards the end of the night we ended up at the house of the boyfriend of one of my other friends.

Anyways this cigarette, bong, drinking- now trainer gal got really trashed.
She went back into the bedroom to lay down with her eyes closed cause she was really dizzy.
We kind of forgot where she went and eventually my friend and her boyfriend went back there to do...well you know... Next thing we all hear screaming. We thought someone was dying and all went into a panic.

Trainer lady comes running out if the room grossed out and freaking out.
Apparently she had passed out and the other two had mistaken her for a pillow cause they were so sloshed.... and were laying on her while doing you know what.

YUCKY! Why would my brain choose that memory???? WTF? Seriously?

So now I'm all sorts of worried that when I run into her again that I'm just gonna open my mouth, but forget to insert foot.
"Hey (name). Come across any interesting pillows lately?" ... That would be bad. Really bad.

Then I also noticed this other guy that that I will call Jim. Anyways Jim went to school with my brother at Black Hills State University. He also was way to into porno, partying, trying to get laid, and being very lazy. So lazy in fact that he never wore shoes with laces. Instead he'd wear old people Velcro shoes.
My brother and his friends called him "Creepy Jim" and then we found out Jim is cousins with this other guy that hung out with me and my friends at the time. Somehow it spread and everyone started calling him "Creepy Jim."

Seeing him was an almost insert foot in mouth moment as well. I caught myself and bit my lip right before I was going to shout "Hey... Creepy Jim! How's it hanging? Never mind. I don't want to know."

Instead my co-workers heard "hemm hmmm pee i oreo?" Since I was REALLY lip biting.

Some impression huh? I wouldn't be surprised if they all think I have tourettes or something strange.
I'm just glad no one asked my what the heck I was REALLY trying to say.

So I have spent the bulk of the day biting my lip and trying really hard not to speak unless needed. I cannot really afford a Freudian slip of the mouth If I want to keep this job. I'm hoping my brain will catch up and the gutter filter turns on soon or this could be a long couple of weeks.

Plus I've got a horrible image of that guy from the "Just for Men" hair color commercials because one of the gals in my class for what ever reason decided to tell me ..."I just want to grab his hair and uhmmm." This gal is about my age. That guy is like 70 something! Yucky.

So not only am I trying to avoid the gutter till my filter is operational, but I'm hearing over things that's making it so hard for me to even ATTEMPT to FILTER.

Dear blog readers.....



Speaking of awkward moments every family has them, but so far I am sure that nothing compares to my family......

One sunny day my dad is sitting out front of the house drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, with his golf clubs. He was waiting for his buddy to come pick him up.
My friend CJ drops by to give me a shirt back she borrowed. (I think that's what it was)
Anyways CJ recognized my dad from having worked with him at her old job.
" Hey. How's it going?" CJ asks.
"Pretty good. Just waiting for my ride." My dad replies.
At that point CJ noticed the towel hanging off of my dad's golf club bag.
"Why do you have a HOOTERS towel?" She asked.
Trying hard to keep a straight face ( from what I've heard) My dad replies.....
"I've got to wipe my balls somehow. You got a better idea?"
Poor CJ was terrified. She never came to my parents house again.


There are many of those awkward moments in my family. I remember things my grandma had said, specially since she's gone now. Things that One could consider quite inappropriate for a lady her age.

Me: "Mom look at this hug pen I got to bring home from work."
Mom: "OMG! It looks like a dildo."
Grandma (legally blind):"What's a dildo? Let me see this pen."
Mom hands my grandma the pen and she feels it: "Oh, you mean a toy *****"

Later on my friend Mel was over visiting. I tell her about the pen and what my grandma said.
My mom walks into the room.
Mom: "Do I look tacky enough?"
Us: "Huh?"
Mom: "I'm going to a tacky bunco party."
Us: "Very tacky." We gave her the thumbs up.
Mom: " By the way did you know that in the old days dildos use to be made out of wood or carved ivory? Sailors use to make them and leave them for their wives before going off to sea."
Me: "Really? That's interesting."
Mel: "Are you you two really talking about that?" She was obviously shocked.
Mom and Me" "yeah. whatever. We don't care."
My mom leaves for the tacky party.
Mel: "Your family is funny, but that kinda freaked me out a little."

Another time on the way to place mini golf with my cousin from Canada for her birthday.......
Grandma:"That lotion smells good. What is in it?"
Me: "Hemp, which is basically treated THC."
Grandma: "What is that?"
Me: "Wed."
Grandma: "I still don't follow."
Me: "Marijuana."
Grandma: "Sweet! Can you get high if you try to eat it?"
Me: " I don't know." I laughed really hard.
I about pissed my pants.

See where I am going with this? How am I ever going to get that mouth filter working so I can keep this job? The lack of insert foot is genetic.
I fear I might be hosed.

Any suggestions?